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| As the Stomach Turns: A Guide to the Illogical; Logic of Soap Operas | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Nov 17 2007, 05:28 PM (586 Views) | |
| ljacks13 | Nov 17 2007, 05:28 PM Post #1 |
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As the Stomach Turns: A Guide to the Illogical Logic of Soap Operas By Halina Z. One of the side effects from my incarceration at a government laboratory for 8 months back in 1996 was an addiction to soap operas. Specifically, one soap opera, called Days of Our Lives. Looking back, I should have seen it coming: I was locked in an on-site apartment, night after night, with 4 other female roomies, and 4 TV sets. With nothing to do on the laboratory grounds after dark, aside from additional lab work (no way), or TV watching, it's no wonder that this atrocity happened. I laughed when my roomies would tape daytime shows like Days, then watch the programs at night. At first I didn't care, as I was too busy with my reading or letter writing. But slowly it started creeping in: I came to recognize the faces of individual characters, then to learn their names. Soon, not only could I pick these characters out of a lineup, but I even understood their anguish-du-jour. Simple plots led to subplots, then counter-plots. Before long, I found myself in the habit of sitting out an entire pre-taped episode, anxiously waiting for character A to reveal that he was secretly in love with his twin sister's mother's only son. Oh, the suspense! In the process, my scientifically-bent mind came to understand some finer points about soap operas, as well as their internal logic. For the uninitiated, or even those who have been longtime soap fans, I present the following soap laws: Law #1: Happiness equals death. If a character is blissfully happy, and everything is going right in his/her life, that character is headed for a gruesome death. Expect a car crash, heart attack, or stroke. Alternatively, if there is a bad guy/gal on the show, then he/she will soon orchestrate a kidnapping/brainwashing/impregnation in order to do away with this sickenly-sweet happy-go-lucky person. Law #2: Nobody works. While soap opera characters often have impressive job titles such as doctor, CEO, and lawyer, the characters themselves will hardly, if ever, engage in the aforementioned trades. And, if by chance one of them does show up at the office, the day will be spent plotting someone's demise or seduction. Work time is also a good time to discuss one's children, one's wedding, or the latest extramarital affair. Law #3: No suit, no cocktail dress, no service. Apparently in soap opera-land, babysitting, housework, or even a quick trip to the grocery store requires that one be dressed in a 3-piece suit, a dress, or at the very least have a full manicure and salon-styled hair. This is especially important when one is meeting thugs in a semi-dark alleyway. And don't forget to reapply your lipstick after the next fist smashes into your face! Law #4: Wanting a pregnancy = no pregnancy. And vice versa. Nothing says "oopsie" faster than two teenagers getting it on in the backseat of their parents' sedan. And nothing says "sterile" quite like a young, nubile couple, freshly and properly married, who have wanted to have kids together since they were kids themselves. Law #5: Everyone gets a turn in the emergency room. No character, especially a woman character, can hope to live out his/her days without taking a trip to the hospital at least once in a season. Whether it be a head trauma, a plane crash (amazingly few characters actually die from plane crashes), or a miscarriage, soap opera characters must eventually pay their respects at the local University hospital, showing off their perfectly made-up faces and "wounds" in those cute pink/blue patient scrubs. Law #6: Nothing says "I Love You" quite like a secret bastard child. Just like that person who is finally happy, with everything going right in his/her life, must not be allowed to live, the perfectly happy couple is bound to discover that one (or both) of the partners has gone outside the confines of the current relationship and gotten knocked up, or been knocked up. This results in a love child that is doomed from the start, and then manages to doom the happy couple. And speaking of children... Law #7: All children have progeria. If a child is portrayed on a soap opera, you will see him/her during only two stages of his/her life: ages 0-2, and ages 16-18. First come ages 0-2. Then, after everyone gets done ooing and aawing at the infant, that infant is put away for "aging". Another two years go by, and the child emerges at high school age, nearly ready to graduate. If only it were that easy in real life. Law #8: You don't need money when you have love. Although hardly anyone works, everyone is filthy rich. Even the waitresses and cops on soap operas live in lavish homes, where they spend their hours discussing relationships, upcoming weddings, and unrequited love. Their children (ages 16-18) go shopping at exclusive malls, where they buy designer clothes and jewelry. People go off on honeymoon cruises and conferences at the drop of a hat, and of course there's always some kind of exotic safari going on in a place like Hawaii or Africa. Law #9: Nobody eats or poops. Soap opera people are rather skinny, and now we know why. They're not human. Although the characters may at times chow down on a piece of popcorn, or sip the occasional mocha, they will never eat a full meal, even if sitting at a restaurant all night. Furthermore, powder rooms and bathrooms are just that: for powdering or bathing. Or gossiping about your competition. Never for taking a wizz. Law #10: Weddings: the cure-all for depression, doubts, and thoughts of suicide. You got to love soap opera weddings: they take months to prepare, months to undergo, and months from which to recover. And if the lucky bride or groom can just get hitched, he or she will automatically have their partner's love and support forever (or until the inevitable affair/love child). The marriage will also eliminate any lingering feelings of low self-esteem, anger, and that nagging suspicion that a mistake is about to be made. That is, until the presumed to be dead ex-wife or ex-husband suddenly makes an appearance at the altar. |
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| downwhtone | Nov 17 2007, 10:20 PM Post #2 |
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This one had me cracking up. Great article....too funny, and too true. |
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| ☼ Jinx ☼ | Nov 18 2007, 02:18 AM Post #3 |
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Live. Love. Laugh. ♥
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Law # 8 is so true! I think about that all the time. As soon as someone finds a lover, they normally stop working, or quit working consistently. Its as if love makes one rich. |
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7:21 PM Jul 10